Christmas Eve or not

It's Christmas Eve and I really am not feeling all that festive.  I think the 70* we had today and lack of snow and cold is keeping me from really feeling like it is Christmas.

Shelby is tracking Santa using an app on my phone.  We took the "I hate Santa" 2 year old picture, even though all she talks about is "Santi" and "presents".

Presents are being wrapped and placed under the tree.  The Christmas train is being played with.  Things are looking a lot like Christmas around here.

I want to give her the best life and the best of me.  But it doesn't feel like I am.  Seeing her grow up, knowing that I'm missing all these things with her brother hurts. I wonder what he would have bought her, would it have been something he liked so that she wouldn't play with it? Or would it have been a Disney toy?  Something is missing, and that hole will always be there.