A letter

Dear Dan,

You were an unexpected blessing. I never saw myself as a mom. You made me see the world in a different way. You taught me what it means to love unconditionally. You wrote on my heart. I watched you grow and learn, as only you could. I watched you struggle. I was scared out of my mind every day that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye.

You taught me so much. I learned to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believed in.

You sent your sister to help me learn more of what you tried teaching me. I see you in her everyday. She sees you and plays with you.

Patience. Creativity. Fun. Presence. Love. Kindness.

Your 11’s are a message. A message to follow my instincts and my gut. A message to be the best person I can be to myself, dad and Shelby. A message to believe in myself.

I love you Dan. You will always be my baby, no matter how “old” you get.

Love, Mom

Middle of May means....

For many, it means Mother's Day, celebrated on the second Sunday in May.

Did you know the first Sunday in May is International Bereaved Mother's Day?

I saw this article the other day, What Grieving Mother's Want For Mother's Day. Mother's Day is recognized as a celebration of being a mother. But what about those who don't have their children to celebrate? Are they any less than mother?

So between last Sunday and this Sunday, please reach out to a mother who has lost their child.

Milestones

Do you remember  bringing the kids to the doctor and being asked if they were doing certain developmentally appropriate tasks?  Like crawling or walking or using multiple word sentences?

For many years, I was always saying that Can wasn't doing something he should be doing...whether it was throwing a ball or potty training.

At her 3 year visit, my beautiful daughter was doing everything she was supposed to be doing on the developmental checklist.

So this is what normal is supposed to be?

I'm not used to normal.  I'm not used to being told "no" in a preschooler tantrum.  I'm not used to sitting and coloring.  I'm not used to make believe stories and playing and sharing toys.

I love all these things.  Yes, I'm exhausted. But this is what normal is.

Poem

I posted this on the Facebook page I have for this blog.  I don't know where it came from or who wrote it.  It was seen by over 500 people with a bunch of comments and quite a few shares.
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You miss the things I haven't done,
the goals not scored, or races won.
The steps my feet have never walked,
the words my lips have never talked.
In my wide eyes you know my fear.
You take my hand and hold me near.
In children, all around you see, the child that I may never be.
Not so able, tough or agile, often tired and much more fragile.
You see the tears I've often cried, and cried them with me, side by side.
Your heart is heavy for my trials, but you wear it well,
with weathered smiles.
I know that you know, I am enough.
But I know the bad days can be tough.
You thank God for giving me to you,
but you're sad for all I cannot do,
and not because you feel let down by me,
but you can't help wonder how I'd be.
if I could do what others do,
like ride a bike or run to you.
You think of all the things I'll miss
first dance, first love,
first date, first kiss.
Yet here I am, as I should be,
not missing out on being me.
Do not fret or worry so
and make your spirit tired with woe.
And when those nights are feeling longer,
lean on me until you're stronger.
Hold my little hand in yours,
peacefully we'll pass the hours.
For all we have is one another,
special child and care worn mother.
Nothing matters more you see,
than seeing all the life in me.
I don't need to be able to,
do the things that others do.
See the words I do not say,
in the smiles I give you everyday.
when I'm tired let me rest,
with my little head against your chest
and for that moment in that peace,
let your loving worries cease.
Look at what I can achieve,
and celebrate me, do not grieve.
Please do not be sad because,
I'm not the child I never was.
different isn't less you know,
and you're the one who told me so.
and some days will be hard to take.
And you'll  feel as though your heart might break.
but we'll bounce back,
we always do.
Because you've got me and I've got you ❤️

Finding Joy in the middle of the night

Shelby is teething.  She has two bottom teeth now and the top teeth are on their way in.

But as any mom knows, teething can be rougher on the parents than the teething kid.  You can hope for the best, but, guaranteed, you will have a few miserable sleepless nights.

 

We are no exception. 

Baby Wearing

One of many things we learned with Dan was that strollers don't fit everywhere and being able to carry him became very important.

We had an Infantino carrier with Dan and neither one of us liked it and we really couldn't get comfortable in in.

So when Shelby was born I went looking for a wrap style carrier to carry her around in. I didn't want to spend a lot of money because I didn't know if I would really feel comfortable. I also knew that we would be traveling around alot due to Elks commitments, so carrying her was going to be very important.

Do you know what today is?

Today, April 24, is Take Your Child to Work Day. Bet you didn't know that. You may have known it as "Take Your Daughter to Work Day". This day is always the 4th Thursday in April.

This is the 21st year of the program. This year's theme is "Plant a Seed, Grow a Future".

Mommy wants to sleep!

I have had 7+ months of sleeping bliss.  My beautiful girl has slept great, even in the hospital~ 10-12 hours a night.

Until recently.

Mommy Brain

A few weeks ago, my favorite health blogger, Dr. Claire McCarthy wrote a post about Mom Messiness on the Boston Children's Hospital blog.

Huffington Post picked it up about a week later and it has made it's travels around the social media pages.

We all see those moms (and dads) seem to have it all together.  You see them out and about and the kids are all clean, they are dressed nice with hair and makeup.  Based upon that impression and talking to them - they are part of the PTA, bring their kids to sports, make these amazing meals....their house must be spotless.  And we all try to strive to get to that point.

A few weeks before Dr. Claire wrote her blog post, my favorite coupon blogger, I Am THAT Lady, wrote about being Pinterest depressed - seeing all the wonderful creations on Pinterest and knowing that she couldn't live up to the creations.  Lauren (the Lady behind I Am THAT Lady) shows you what it looks like around that perfect shot or the next day.  With 4 kids, it can get a bit messy.  But you know what?  She's a loving mom.

Crystal Paine, in her book Say Goodbye to Survival Mode: 9 Simple Strategies to Stress Less, Sleep More, and Restore Your Passion for Life, relays a story about sitting at a moms get-together where one of the mom's said she had a cleaning lady come over every other week.  She goes on to say that as moms if we aren't doing everything in our house, we see ourselves as failures.

I always considered myself reasonably organized.  Then Dan came along, and for a while I was still reasonably organized.  Then mommy brain took over - putting something down to get back to it later because he needed something and then forgetting what it was I put down or where I put it down.  Amazingly, I still had a general idea where things were.  My hubby would call looking for something and I would say look "here" or "here" and it was usually in one of those places.

Then after he died, I went through a grief period where I just didn't care.

We have a dog and a cat.  Both shed and both are messy eaters, so there is food and shedded hair on the floor at all times.  Even when Dan was alive and walking around, my house wasn't spotless.  Yes, there are times I get frustrated with the "mess" and "clutter" and throw fits about not having time to clean it up, but truthfully, I don't think I could live in a spotless house.

So here is our kitchen table - the way it has looked for a least a few years now.  The stuff may change but right now, I'm happy with my little mess.  Because I am a mom and I have a kid who is more important than having a spotless house.

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