A blog about the grief after losing a child to Niemann Pick, Type C, a rare disease, and how I'm moving forward with my life.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Saturday, April 27, 2019

A letter

Dear Dan,

You were an unexpected blessing. I never saw myself as a mom. You made me see the world in a different way. You taught me what it means to love unconditionally. You wrote on my heart. I watched you grow and learn, as only you could. I watched you struggle. I was scared out of my mind every day that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye.

You taught me so much. I learned to stand up for myself, stand up for what I believed in.

You sent your sister to help me learn more of what you tried teaching me. I see you in her everyday. She sees you and plays with you.

Patience. Creativity. Fun. Presence. Love. Kindness.

Your 11’s are a message. A message to follow my instincts and my gut. A message to be the best person I can be to myself, dad and Shelby. A message to believe in myself.

I love you Dan. You will always be my baby, no matter how “old” you get.

Love, Mom

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Time to slow down

Have you ever looked at your day or week and said "where did the week go?" and your to-do list was never touched?


Yeah, well I did that today.  And I realized that most of that busyness was created by others and we were just reacting to it. 

It wasn't due to things that we were planning on doing, it was all the extras that everyone else decided were important for us.

Well, after this realization, it's time to make what my daughter and husband and I want to do the priority.  We get so little time together as a family, we need to make the most of it.

So last night we went to a kids Polar Express party where Shelby created ornaments and a mug.  Today was breakfast with Santa (to benefit a local non profit) with a bounce house and putting our own tree up.  Tomorrow is a kids Christmas party for most of the afternoon.

Yes, we are busy.  To see the joy on her face as she experiences new things, and remembers things from past years, is priceless.



Sunday, August 6, 2017

A celebration

I am so blessed to have a beautiful, healthy girl.  And this weekend we celebrated her 4th birthday.

As I sat down to write this blog entry, I realized how different the 4th birthday parties were for Dan and for Shelby.

First, there is the obvious: winter and summer.  And the other obvious: boy and girl.  These don't bother me.

The not so obvious things are what made me pause while writing.  A request for toys made for 2 year olds vs. toys made for 4 year olds.

And 4 was the last birthday Dan had.  We didn't know it at the time, though.  His birthday always felt rushed - wedged between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and usually the same weekend as the firehouse kids Christmas party where we would get Santa pictures every year.

Shelby keeps me so busy, I usually don't have time to dwell on the differences between them.  I do know that some of what we do is a reaction to losing Dan so early, and some things we were never able to do for and with him.

So we celebrate. We celebrate 4 wonderful years. We celebrate life. We celebrate a healthy, beautiful princess.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Random musings

Life and death.  It's a cycle for us all.  We don't know how long that cycle is.  So we live our lives doing stuff.  And then something happens to make you realize that the cycle is shorter than you think.  What do you do then?

We are all born for some reason. There is some "job" that each one of us is responsible for.  You may never know what it is, or it could be something spectacular.

So where am I going with this?

The past few years, I have really been thinking about who I am, what I want to do is with my life, how I want to live my life.

I've realized a few things:
1. Dan was here to help me give back after he was gone and to help me start this introspection.  Dan led me to the NNPDF. While it hasn't been an easy road for the past couple of years, the NNPDF is now in a different place and is moving in a good direction.
2. Shelby is here to make me slow down and smell the roses. She loves spending time with me doing silly things.  Her desire to be with me as much as possible has made me look at where my life is and where I want it to be.
3. Finding Jamberry and joining the company appeared to be completely "out of character" for me.  But it came along at the right time to help me with understanding who I really am and why I am involved in the things I'm involved in.

Taken separately, each can seem unrelated.  Taken together, I am seeing a different picture of who I am and what I want in and from my life.

Some people may call it a "mid life crisis" and maybe it is.  I call it discovering who I am.

Monday, May 22, 2017

How We Keep Sane (sort of)

Sometimes it's the random things that have an impact.

Maybe a month ago I casually posted on my personal Facebook page something about cooking is done for the next 6 weeks and how I spent under $300.  Immediately, the had people asking how I did it. So I answered them and then someone suggested a blog post, so here it is.

As a preface to this: it's really just 2 of us, as Shelby doesn't eat enough in any one sitting to have an impact as a "serving".  And we primarily focus on dinner - and I usually take any leftovers to work.

Step 1: I look in the freezer for what we still have from the last cooking session, plus random packages of meat or chicken that we picked up along the way. I make a list of these two types of items.

Step 2: I review the stack of recipes we have (or cookbooks or Internet searches).  I have several different meal plans from Lauren Greutman. Her plans are based on Aldi shopping, so coupons are not needed.  From the stack of recipes we have I pick out 10 to 15 recipes and make a list of ingredients. I total the amount of each ingredient (for example: 8 pounds of chicken, or 2 beef roasts, each 1 1/2 pounds or 6 apples).

I write down side dishes and spices too, not just the main ingredients.

I write a list of recipe names on a separate sheet of paper, or tab them in a cookbook so I can find them when I get home. As I use multiple cookbooks, I also write down the name of the book it came from, as there are similar recipes in multiple cookbooks.

Step 3: I go through my cabinets crossing of everything I already have. Most times I'm crossing off spices, as we have quite a few. It also serves as a double check to make sure we have cooking broth or condiments that we will need.

Tip: I try to stock up on cooking broth and cooking wines, spices, etc.  Having them in the house at all times makes a quick meal easy to prepare.

Step 4: I clean up my list and rewrite it, with the totals I need per item. I try to group like items together - so meat is in one section, canned goods in another, produce in another, etc.  You can see some of the organization in this photo, although this isn't a great example.

Tip: As you get more comfortable doing this, the list in step 4 will be how you start your list in step 2.  Don't fret - it takes quite a few months to get to that point.

Step 5: Go to the store. My first stop is Aldi for the bulk of my needs.  I get what I can, which is usually most items. From the picture above, the only items I couldn't get at Aldi were the circled items. I go to another store depending on what I still need and how much time I have.

Tip: I always pick up more chicken breasts than we need, as well as a few pounds of ground beef, and meats that are price reduced.  I also try to pick up speciality meats when they are on sale - so corned beef in March/April (sometimes the discount in April is better than the sale price in March because they have too many); turkey and ham in November/December.  These freeze well for quite a few months (if you have the space).

For those who don't know, Aldi is a grocery store. It is no frills, and usually only has 1 or 2 sizes per item - the sizes commonly used.  For example, spaghetti sauce is 16 oz, not 32.  Frozen chicken breast is in 3 pound bags.  You need to bring your own bags, and pack them. Products are in display boxes, which helps keep the items organized. There are very few "name brands". There is quite a large gluten free selection. Also, bring a quarter to use a shopping cart (returned to you when you return the cart).

Step 6: Come home and start organizing. For me, this is the longest part, so hubby and I usually work together.  Most of the meals we cook can be frozen before cooking, which saves time.  Even if the entire recipe can't be prepared ahead of time, sometimes a portion can be - like marinading meat.

We start with one type of meat (let's say chicken). I find all the chicken recipes and  we start separating chicken breasts into freezer bags.  It's probably a good idea to invest in a small kitchen scale so you can weigh meat. As he is separating chicken breasts, and cutting them up as needed, I am labeling the bags and putting in the other ingredients that can be frozen.

We do the same with any other type of meat we will be eating. Always work with one type of meat at a time. We put a paper plate on the scale to weigh the meat for each recipe. That way we can discard the plate before moving on to the next meat.

Same thing with cutting boards. Keep them separate for veggies and meat. Either wash well between uses or invest in a few.

Step 7: Make sure all the recipes are labeled on the bag. If something needs to be added to the bag when it is cooking, I usually write that on there too.  Place in freezer.

Step 8: I make a calendar of meals. The calendar includes the meals I found in the freezer plus what we just put together. I usually schedule 4 or 5 meals a week and mix up the meat flavors. As most of our meals are frozen Crock-Pot or frozen grilling recipes, we can pull out a recipe the night before (or morning of) to let it thaw.  Putting only 4 or 5 meals on for the week leaves room for leftovers or for a simple meal like spaghetti or tacos.

I also try to schedule meals early in the month​ that need ingredients that are "fresh" like peppers or apples, since I probably just purchased them.

The calendar has really made the difference for us. We can look at it and know what is planned.  It's taken the "what's for dinner question out of our daily lives"

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One thing I really should mention here, I am blessed that hubby is home with Shelby during the day, so he can start cooking these meals in the Crock-Pot mid-morning.

This pre-planning has eliminated MOST trips to the grocery store.  Milk, bread, eggs are still frequent trips. And sometimes I'll stop on my way home from work to pick up a bag of salad greens or some fresh fruit or veggies for dinner that night or the next.

We do try new recipes - usually a few a month. We obviously keep going back to our favorites.  And if you have a list of 20 or 30 favorite recipes you cycle through, the list prep, shopping, and meal prep, get easier each time.

I can say, this entire process does take 8-10 hours. If I can I do the first 4 steps at night while watching TV - a bit at a time.

I would love to know if this has helped you! Please leave a comment below and let me know.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Save or Spend?

Growing up I was a saver.  Even after I got married, we saved.  Then somewhere along the line we started spending. And then Dan was born, and we spent more for co-payments and medical supports that weren't covered by insurance.  And now Shelby.  Thankfully we have been blessed with a basement full of toys, some of which were Dan's, others were hand me downs.  We have also been blessed with family and friends from near and far who have purchased clothes and diapers.  We did not ask for these, people just love us and love Shelby.

Which leads me to a question, or a few questions.  Would you be able to ask for financial help?  Or admit you are a saver or a spender?  Would you be able to pull youself out of a financial hole without bankruptcy?

If you've read my blog for awhile, I've written about Lauren and her website I Am THAT Lady.  Lauren started her website about 6 years ago as another piece in her quest to get out of the credit card debt that she put her family in.  Lauren has also been on Dr. Oz, the Today Show, and Good Morning America, among other shows.

Well, Lauren has a new book out, The Recovering Spender which I was thrilled to be able to preview.  In it, she details how she got into the debt (and it isn't as simple as "I charged everything on my credit card.").  After she very candidly opens up about her life, and her spending addiction, she walks you through 12 steps that she took to get herself out.  And stay out.



It's one thing to be in debt and get out.  It's another to understand why you got in debt in the first place and how you can stay out.  Lauren walks you through all the steps to understand your reasons for spending.  She makes you evaluate every dollar spent.  She helps you assess what are need and what are wants, and are your needs really your wants?  She gives you actual practical steps to take.  This isn't theory or "pie in the sky" advice.

For example, Step 5 has you printing all your credit card and bank statements for a few months and categorizing each transaction so you get an average amount of spending per category.  Later steps help you identify where you can lower your spending in certain categories.



These steps are easy enough for anyone to do them  - from a fresh out of school college student, to an established career person, to a family, to grandparents.

Even if you consider yourself a saver, or are on good financial footing, reading through her book and going through the steps if well worth it.

And for a limited time, Lauren is giving away over $100 worth of freebies if you buy the book.   These freebies include budgeting and planning worksheets and her other books!  After you buy the book, head on over to the book's website to claim your goodies.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Milestones

Do you remember  bringing the kids to the doctor and being asked if they were doing certain developmentally appropriate tasks?  Like crawling or walking or using multiple word sentences?

For many years, I was always saying that Can wasn't doing something he should be doing...whether it was throwing a ball or potty training.

At her 3 year visit, my beautiful daughter was doing everything she was supposed to be doing on the developmental checklist.

So this is what normal is supposed to be?

I'm not used to normal.  I'm not used to being told "no" in a preschooler tantrum.  I'm not used to sitting and coloring.  I'm not used to make believe stories and playing and sharing toys.

I love all these things.  Yes, I'm exhausted. But this is what normal is.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Poem

I posted this on the Facebook page I have for this blog.  I don't know where it came from or who wrote it.  It was seen by over 500 people with a bunch of comments and quite a few shares.
************

You miss the things I haven't done,
the goals not scored, or races won.
The steps my feet have never walked,
the words my lips have never talked.
In my wide eyes you know my fear.
You take my hand and hold me near.
In children, all around you see, the child that I may never be.
Not so able, tough or agile, often tired and much more fragile.
You see the tears I've often cried, and cried them with me, side by side.
Your heart is heavy for my trials, but you wear it well,
with weathered smiles.
I know that you know, I am enough.
But I know the bad days can be tough.
You thank God for giving me to you,
but you're sad for all I cannot do,
and not because you feel let down by me,
but you can't help wonder how I'd be.
if I could do what others do,
like ride a bike or run to you.
You think of all the things I'll miss
first dance, first love,
first date, first kiss.
Yet here I am, as I should be,
not missing out on being me.
Do not fret or worry so
and make your spirit tired with woe.
And when those nights are feeling longer,
lean on me until you're stronger.
Hold my little hand in yours,
peacefully we'll pass the hours.
For all we have is one another,
special child and care worn mother.
Nothing matters more you see,
than seeing all the life in me.
I don't need to be able to,
do the things that others do.
See the words I do not say,
in the smiles I give you everyday.
when I'm tired let me rest,
with my little head against your chest
and for that moment in that peace,
let your loving worries cease.
Look at what I can achieve,
and celebrate me, do not grieve.
Please do not be sad because,
I'm not the child I never was.
different isn't less you know,
and you're the one who told me so.
and some days will be hard to take.
And you'll  feel as though your heart might break.
but we'll bounce back,
we always do.
Because you've got me and I've got you ❤️

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Start the New Year off right!

This is a post I have been meaning to write all week - but I was spending time with my hubby and daughter - which was soooo worth it!

Now it is the end of the year/beginning of the year and we have all made some resolutions to help us be the best we can be in 2016. 


The Financial Renovation E-Course

Lauren and Mark Greutman (from I Am THAT Lady) are offering a FREE 4 video series on restructuring your financial lives called The Financial Renovation. Here are the details on the 4 videos:
  • Friday January 1st - HOW TO START A BUDGET
  • Monday January 4th - HOW TO STICK TO A BUDGET WHEN THEY HAVE FAILED IN PAST
  • Thursday January 7th - A COMPLETE FINANCIAL BLUEPRINT FOR 2016
  • Monday January 11th - WHY NOW IS THE TIME TO START  
Head on over to her website and sign up for this free video series!  This free e-course is for you if:
  • You want to learn how to budget and stick to it.
  • You want to save more money on your bills.
  • You want to learn how to get your spouse on board with your finances.
  • You feel like you are stuck and don’t know where to turn.
  • You want to get out of debt.
  • or… you just want a refresher on your financial health.
  • I will also give you an opportunity to go much deeper into learning how to get financial freedom in 2016.
I know that after you watch these videos you will want to sign up for her continuing 7-week video course.  She is offering some great bonuses in the 7-week course. But don't wait until February to start thinking about this.  These videos are only available until January 11th and the 7-week course is only available until January 15th!

Lauren was also on the TODAY show this morning sharing some of her favorite tips.

Both Lauren and Mark amazing people, whom I have had the pleasure of meeting a few times.  Lauren has also created these amazing $150 Aldi meal plans!  Following her over the years has helped us pay off some of the bills we had from Dan and helped us find some good deals for Shelby.


*Affiliate disclosure:  I may receive compensation if you click on the links in this post.


Wednesday, November 11, 2015

This sucks

As I'm sitting here looking at Shelby napping and the artwork on our walls from her playing with pens, markers, and crayons, I realized what I won't experience and what I will.

A few weeks ago, I picked up Dan's urn to bring it to the bedroom and Shelby reached up and wanted to hug it and carry it. I let her hug it, but it is still too heavy for her to carry.

That's when it hit me.  This is all she knows of her big brother.  All she has is pictures and what we tell her.  Kids are known to see into the spirit world, and I'm sure Dan has been to see and play with her.  I hope she doesn't lose that ability as she gets older.

The realization that Shelby is now doing things that Dan did, and some things that he will never do, also hit me hard the past few weeks.  Her laugh reminds me of Dan. She is throwing things like he did (typical toddler).  But he never really mastered holding a crayon or drawing.  She has masterpieces on the walls.

Every parent compares their children, and when they did certain things.  I am quickly losing that ability. By next year it will be gone.

This is supposed to be a joyful time of year, and Shelby helps remind us of that. But it is also a difficult time of year for so many. Grief never ends.

Monday, April 20, 2015

April Goals - quite late!

This year I am going to do monthly goals instead of weekly.  But I will still follow the same pattern, reporting back how well I did.

So my March goals were:
Blog
1. Write at least 1 post a week. So this didn't happen.
2. Finish some of the old posts This didn't either
3. Clean up the sidebar. And neither did this.

Jamberry
1. Help my team expand. No one new
2. Get my supplies organized with the new catalog. Still not quite done.
3. Introduce 10 people to Jamberry. I think I did this.

Life
1. Finish the September newspapers. Done!
2. Post some items for sale. Nope.
3. Active meal planning and grocery shopping. We did ok on this.

March didn't go all that well for the goals, but it was a great month overall.

Here are my goals for March:

Monday, March 9, 2015

March goals (and an update on February)

This year I am going to do monthly goals instead of weekly.  But I will still follow the same pattern, reporting back how well I did.

So my February goals were:
Blog
1. Finish the draft blog posts. Nope.
2. Go back and finish some of the writing challenge posts, even though the Challenge was to write them that day. Nope.
3. Clean up some of the clutter on the blog page. Nope.
Didn't even blog much in February

Jamberry
1. Expand my team. Yes, added 1 team member.
2. Get a promotion. Promoted back to where I was, so I'll take it.
3. Use my Jamberry commissions to purchase the next item on the household wish list. Not exactly on the wish list, but used the commissions for the airfare for the NNPDF board meeting.

Life
1. Read the newspapers through the end of September. Got through August.
2. Finish cleaning Dan's room. Nope.
3. Take care of some Elk and NNPDF items. Oh yes, this has been all consuming!

Here are my goals for March:

Thursday, February 5, 2015

February Goals (and an update on January)

This year I am going to do monthly goals instead of weekly.  But I will still follow the same pattern, reporting back how well I did.

So my January goals were:
Blog
1. Finish the draft blog posts. Nope.
2. Participate in the January writing challenge at least 2 times a week. I did good for a few weeks, but my real job took over.
3. Clean up some of the clutter on the blog page. Nope.

Jamberry
1. Expand my team. I had someone excited to join on Feb 1
2. Get a promotion. Nope.
3. Use my Jamberry commissions to purchase the next item on the household wish list. Should be able to do that shortly.

Life
1. Read the newspapers through the end of August. Nope.  Got through July and into August.
2. Finish cleaning Dan's room. Nope.
3. Post items on the Garage Sale websites to sell some stuff.  Did sell a few things.

Here are my goals for February:

Friday, January 2, 2015

January Goals

This year I am going to do monthly goals instead of weekly.  But I will still follow the same pattern, reporting back how well I did.

So my last set of weekly goals were:
1. Enjoy Christmas!  Done!
2. Finish the draft blog posts. Nope.
3. Submit the Flexible Spending Receipts. Done!
4. Start some deep cleaning/organizing. Yes!
5. Finish the July newspapers by 12/31 Nope.

My goals for January:

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 Goals

Last year I posted these goals that I wanted to accomplish in 2014:

2014 Goals

1. Get myself organized again. 
(this will be vitally important with Shelby)
2. Read more. 
(it doesn't matter what it is, I just want to do more of it.)
3. Pay off 2 bills.
 (We all have them don't we?)
 4. Clean out some of the junk.
(We all have some.)
5. Don't sweat the small stuff.
('nuff said.)
 
 
So how did I do?

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

5 For Five - Dec 22

This is my last weekly one for the year.  Next Wednesday will be my yearly goals.

So what is 5 For Five? In the short form, it is 5 goals I want to achieve this week. Next week, I will report on my success (or failure).

Here were the goals from last week:
1. Read through July 18.  Halfway there.
2. File the papers on my desk at work. Yes.
3. Submit the Flexible Spending receipts. Nope.  But I added a few more.
4. Finish the draft blog posts. Nope.
5. Jamberry followup. Yes.

For a short week - 2.5 isn't too bad. So what are my goals for this week???

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

5 For Five - Dec 15

Ok, so I'm a few days late this week....let's see what I can squeeze in.

So what is 5 For Five? In the short form, it is 5 goals I want to achieve this week. Next week, I will report on my success (or failure).

Here were the goals from last week:
1. Get those newspapers read!  Not to make an excuse, but I used to read them on the bus.  Now that it is dark in the morning and at night on my commute, I have to put the reading light on and sometimes I get snarky looks because others are sleeping.  I did get a few read
2. Finish some of the blog posts I have in draft. Nope
3. Pull together the flexible spending receipts. Yes, now to submit them.
4. Start decorating for Christmas. Yes!  Post coming this week.
5. Clean off my desk at work. It's organized, but not clean.

That was a reasonable week. So what are my goals for this week???

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

5 For Five - Dec 8

So what is 5 For Five? In the short form, it is 5 goals I want to achieve this week. Next week, I will report on my success (or failure).

Here were the goals from last week:
1. Read those silly newspapers (to July 15)!  So not done.
2. Pre-write some blog posts. Yes, I did a few.
3. Get Secret Santa gifts Have 2 of 3 ready to go
4. Get my Jamberry stuff organized and "locked" away from little hands Done -  had to get organized for a vendor event anyway.
5. Celebrate Dan's birthday.  See here for an idea on how you can celebrate with us. Yes.

That was a reasonable week. So what are my goals for this week???

Monday, December 1, 2014

5 for Five - Dec 1

Yikes! December already!

So what is 5 For Five? In the short form, it is 5 goals I want to achieve this week. Next week, I will report on my success (or failure).

Here were the goals from last week:
1. Read the newspapers to July 15. (I'm cheating on this one as I have some done already)  I cheated and still didn't get it done!
2. Take family pictures at Thanksgiving. Done!  I will share them in another post.
3. Clean out the coupons thoroughly. Done!  You should have seen the mess!
4. Pre-write a few blog posts. Have the ideas, but not the text yet.
5. Publicize the Jamberry specials for Black Friday through Cyber Monday. OMG - I did this!  Have over $500 in sales just this weekend!

Looking back, that was a good week. So what are my goals for this week???

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

5 For Five - Nov 24

So what is 5 For Five? In the short form, it is 5 goals I want to achieve this week. Next week, I will report on my success (or failure).

Here were the goals from last week:
1. Read the newspapers to July 12. Nope.
2. Clean off the kitchen table. Yes!
3. Organize my Jamberry supplies .  You can keep up with my sales on Facebook, on this blog, and at my Jamberry website. Somewhat
4. Pre-write a few blog posts. Nope.
5. Clean out the coupons thoroughly! Nope.

Ok, so last week was a really bad week. So what are my goals for this week???