Last weekend was an emotional weekend for me.
One year ago on Nov 10 was the last time I kissed my son good night. It was the last time I hugged him when I put him to bed. It was the last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes and his big full grin. It was the last time I heard him cry or moan.
One year ago on Nov 11, very early in the morning, he died. There is no easy way to say that. We knew he was going to die at some point, early in his life. But all the doctors and we thought he had at least a few more years.
One year ago on Nov 12 I was in Wal-mart looking at picture frames to find a way to capture my Dan's life. We were surrounded by family, but felt alone.
One year ago on Nov 13 we had Dan's services. We made a personal decision to not leave him alone. One year later, he is still wrapped in a blanket on our table.
Life goes on...however much we don't think it should, or don't want it to. I went back to work in early January. Dan's bedroom hasn't been touched, his toys are clustered in the extra spare room. It's still way to painful to go through them. I can walk in either room and sit, but the tears start. I miss my baby, I miss him every day.
So what did we do this weekend?
Saturday my parents came over with a beautiful butterfly. Hubby did some repair work at the Elks lodge. I worked on Dan's fundraiser and we went grocery shopping.
Sunday we went to the monthly breakfast the local Elks lodge has. We went the morning of Dan's services too. Then we went to a dart tournament. Hubby throws American darts at the Elks lodge and several local lodges have tournaments for prizes. I was fine with going, even though it marked one year. It kept us busy and a bit distracted.
Monday I took the dog to the vet to get her nails trimmed and then worked on Dan's fundraiser.
Tuesday I went to work and drove 2 1/2 hours each way to another office for a few meetings.
Just because one year later we did things that were "routine", doesn't mean they are "routine". We all probably would have gone grocery shopping on Saturday. We all may have still gone for breakfast on Sunday, but hubby would have gone to the tournament alone, if he went at all. I still would have brought the dog to the vet, but I don't know if we would be having the fundraiser. Instead I probably would have taken Dan out to a playgroup. The only day that was "normal" was Tuesday and that was because hubby was a stay-at-home dad. But grocery shopping and breakfast are still different - it's only 2 of us now, not 3. I don't have formula, diapers, toys....